A good compromise

So now the dust is settling, wounds are starting to heal and my finances are on par with Spanish Government. The final dispute hearing happend just under two weeks ago. It happened as I expected it to. Angry, relieved, frustrated, annoyed, pleased were some of the emotions I went through in two minutes. So what happened?

In the UK, family law is frankly a mess. The government doesn’t want middle-class families using the court system to resolve disputes. Mere mortals are suppose to resolve the issues amongst ourselves and carry on. If you have a spare £200-400k, you can use the best solicitors and barristers and get the legal system to resolve for you. The rest of us, it’s not so easy. The UK Ministry of Justice have cut back in the family law area. So now you have less district judges doing the circuits. The solicitors and barristers get to know each judge and their like, dislikes, attitudes and how they will interpret the case, so thus, can advise clients if they are likely to ‘win’ their case. This has led to too many cases for the district judges to sit on. To help keep the system going, in family law cases, magistrats are now used. Anyone of good character over 18 can be a magistrate. They do have to be an experienced magistrate and have special training for Family Law. In most family law cases, you only find who the magistrates are on the day. In the Family Law disputes, the case will wither be heard by a district judge or three magistrates, know as a bench. It is a complete lottery on who will be on the bench that day. So you have no idea on what their outlook is, their opinions or how they will view the case.

On the day, I arrive at court at 9am. The hearing is scheduled for 10am. I go to the correct level, there are 8 levels in the building each dealing with different sections of law, so there is an ‘interesting’ selection of society there. I go and see the court usher to inform them I am here. Thankfully my barrister has already arrive and got a private room and a section of coffee. We go through the case, discussing how I could be cross examined and how the opposition barrister (that’s the TEWTB, The Ex-Wife To Be) will attempt discredit our case. My barrister has prepared a three page note for the bench. In the lead up to the final hearing, both parties have to write a statement on out positions with supporting arguments. I paid for my solicitor to write this and then reviewed with my barrister about 5 weeks before the hearing. The supporting note basically my barrister reviewing the opposition statement and pulling it apart. I was very impressed with mine and asked for the oppositions. This is where things start to get interesting.

‘There isn’t one’ my barrister said. ‘He couldn’t write one because the statement was not good enough and the oppositions case is too weak’. Wow. ‘The opposition barrister has said to her; your case is too weak, the statement is not good enough and I highly recommend you negotiate out of court. Your ex-husband has one of the toughest cross-examiners in the circuit and she will eat you alive’. Hell fire, things are looking up.

Both barristers work for the same chambers and know each other well. My barrister in legal ratings has been described as ‘formidable’. Thankfully, we hit off well and after the conference got to know me and my mindset. The opposition barrister has been described as thorough, with good attention to detail.

So the barrister asked me to open the negotiations as the opposition are only offering what they have stated. ‘Which is ridiculous’ according to the barrister. Since the split, I’ve argued to TEWTB that the Boy should spend equal time with each of us. Her view is that the Boy should only have one home and not keep tooing and frooing. We have already agreed the Boy should spend alternate weekend with each of us, so we are now trying to get the working week resolved. So to open, I suggest the Boy is with is Mum every Monday and Tuesday, every Wednesday and Thursday with me, followed by the alternate weekends. So the barrister goes to the oppositions room.

When the barrister returned she had some interesting news. TEWTB’s Dad is there. I was a litte surprised that he was there. He absolutely dislikes conflict, but he’s a really down to earth guy and I hope he will be the voice of reason. To my barrister’s surprise, I comment is that him being there might be helpful to us. There was a knock at the door, the oppositions barrister, so mine goes out to get the update. My solicitor isn’t there as there is no benefit of him being there and I’d be charged £260 per hour for him to drink tea at my expense. TEWTB does have her solicitor there though.

My barrister comes back in, the offer has been rejected and the opposition has not proposed any news proposal. Frustrating. I ask my barrister to ask the opposition to make a proposal as I am not going to agree their original proposal. I’d rather take a chance and let the magistrates decide. She goes off to inform them. The court usher knocks on the door and asks the barrister to go into court and inform the bench of where we are. As previously stated, the bench prefer for parents to come to an agreement rather then them decide. Both barristers ask for an interim adjournment. The bench agrees and asks for regular updates on the negotiations. The chair of the bench does make a comment to the opposition barrister; ‘I do hope your client is negotiating as it is apparent they have not previously’. Interesting comments my barrister. The barrister says the bench are ‘robust’ and is apparent they have been recently on the Family Law training. There are a mature bench, probably in the 55-70 age range. I’ve never seen any of them before.

The opposition barrister knocks, so off pops mine. The barrister comes back in. TEWTB has made a new offer. I can have the Boy every Wednesday. Super, smashing, great. For someone who has argued about the Boy having ‘stability’ that’s a pretty poor proposal. Every other week, the Boy would be at mine, then hers, then back at mine for the weekend. Rejected for those reasons. My barrister and I as discussing proposals. My barrister says is a sign TEWTB is starting to cave in. Let’s keep the negotiations going. I’ll inform the opposition that is being rejected for those reasons, which are perfectly valid.

I start looking at the extra day. I start scribbling different ideas down. Utilising this extra day, I move it from the Wednesday to the Thursday when I have the Boy for the weekend. He’ll get 4 days with me in a block. In the week where I don’t have the boy at the weekend, I keep the Wednesday and Thursday nights with me. My barrister comes back in and we discuss the new proposal. ‘It’s great. It’s not your ideal, but should we go into court I can argue that all the way through, you’ve been the one willing to negotiate, coming up with the proposals, I think it is a good compromise’.

It’s now approaching 10.40am and I say to my barrister, if the opposition does not agree to this proposal, I want the bench to decide. Just as I say that, the court usher knocks as the bench want an update. Armed with this latest information, my barrister goes in. The barrister informs the bench that the negotiations are ongoing, however, there is little in compromise from the opposition. My client has offered a final proposal and that if the opposition doesn’t not agree by 11am, that he wishes the bench to decide. This apparently caught the opposition barrister wrong footed. The chair of the bench agrees and says that two is enough time and that if not agreement is reached by 11am, then both parties shall come into court and proceedings will start. The barristers chat on the way out. TEWTB’s Dad is telling her that she needs to start negotiating and if you are put under cross examination you won’t cope.

My barrister starts preparing the court order, the view is that TEWTB will cave in and agree. I’m feeling the same. I’m not getting exactly what I was after, but it’s close enough. Over 14 nights’ the Boy will be with me for 6 night instead of the 7 I wanted and the 4 I had. My gut feeling is that this proposal is right. Two minutes before 11am there is a knock, it’s the opposition barrister. Off goes mine. The barrister comes back in, sits down and looks at me right in the eyes. ‘She’s capitulated and has agreed to everything, including the Boy spending alternate Christmas’s, brilliant work, thanks for your thinking and flexibility. I’ll get the order drafted and we’ll going into court and get the bench to sign it off’. It’s over.

The emotions of anger, relieve, frustration, annoyance flashed through me, followed by that feeling of knowing that all the heartache, distress and frustration was over. Of what I proposed 95% was agreed. The 5%? Not having the Boy for every Wednesday. I realise I have a monster of a head ache and hope I have some pills in the car.

We go into court and sit in front of the bench. The chair is a polite gentleman who thanks us for coming to agreement outside of court. The bench appreciates how difficult is can be to reach agreement and commends us for doing so. The bench fully support the proposal and will turn it into a court order for immediate effect. The chair also says that there will need to be continual communication between us. Interestingly, he says this whilst looking at TEWTB. All done and dusted, we go back into the room to finalise the paperwork.

My barrister say that TEWTB’s Dad told her to agree to the proposal as it is fair and there is a significant risk that if you going into court you will loose the Boy for longer. This was then when we decided to agree to the proposal. The barrister also shared with me that her Dad has been paying for her legal costs and couldn’t understand why we hadn’t come to an agreement. He read the note from my barrister and said many times ‘I didn’t know that’. The opposition barristers impression was that TEWTB had kept much information from her parents and that her Dad was not impressed with her or her solicitor. He said to her, there is much to discuss when we get home. My barrister saw them leave the room and said it was like a naughty schoolgirl leaving the headmasters office with her Father. TEWTB just walked out with her head down and said nothing.

Walking back to the car, it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders. I didn’t feel like celebrating as this isn’t something to be won. We were talking about where a little boy should spend his time. The Boy has done brilliantly is dealing with the changes over the last 8 months. This agreement will mean he will spend quality time with each parent.

When I got to the car, I spent two minutes sat in silence and relaxed. The proposal was right and the fight had been worth it. Just the divorce and financial settlement to go. This should be easier. We will see.

I didn’t have any head ache pills in the car. Bugger.

Tune of the day: Odyssey – Inside Out (Original 12” Version)

P.

Another year older…

May the fourth be with you and happy 38th birthday to me. It’s been a manic few weeks and the blogging has taken a back seat. So what’s going on? Let’s start with the headaches.

55 weeks without a boss!! There are major changes at work, so am hoping something will be resolved. Have decided that having a work-life balance is more important than working all hours. Frankly, I’m bored of constantly fire fighting, arguing with senior managers about why things haven’t been completed or why I’ve had to extend deadlines. I’ve generally been quite forthright in my opinions and stubborn about timelines and how I do things. As long as I get paid each month, that’s all that matters. It likely I’ll be changing roles as well once I have a boss in place. I’ll be trying hard to get a pay rise out of this. All things considered at least 20%!

The biggest headache is the ex-wife. There’s still no agreement with regards to the Boy. We’ve been to mediation where I thought we were making progress. She agreed that the Boy needs to see his Dad more often and that it’s not fair to him that there are eight days between seeing me. I proposed that a 2-2-3 over two weeks arrangement would be best for the Boy. He’s gets to see both parents regularly and the time between seeing each parent is three days maximum. The ex-wife said that too much change would be confusing, but given the seven-day week, you need to have it on a rolling two-week basis. At the end of the two-hour mediation session, we were asked to consider the idea and come up with other proposals. A week later, we returned to the mediator to resume the negotiations. The ex-wife presented her proposals. They were completely different to what was discussed the previous week and what I already said I would agree to. It was totally a waste of time. I challenged her on why she dismissed my proposal. ‘It’s too confusing for me’ was the answer. FFS. I continued challenging her that that answer isn’t in the Boy’s best interests and you know that I would not agree to this. Her response was to pack her stuff. start crying and walk out. The English family law states that couples need to go through mediation before launching court action. So I got the certificate, paid over £500 mediation costs and instructed the solicitor to launch proceeding against her. I got the court date through the back end of lat week, 8th June. Thanks to quirks of the English law system, I now need to get a barrister to represent me in the court. The solicitor has given me a recommendation so I’ll go with them. It’s frustrating it’s come to this. The next thing will be the divorce. After the ex-wife got solicitors involved, I’ve decided to retract the offer of giving her the house. There’s around £30-40k of equity in the house and given that I only took my clothes, Clash posters, PS3, TV, office chair, drill, NAS Drive and the Nespresso coffee machine, there’s at least £10-20k worth of furniture and various other things I am entitled to half of. Realistically, £15-20k is what I am targetting. Given I’ve spent over £2500 on legal fees, this year so far and had to completely furnish a new apartment at a cost of around £5000, my credit cards are looking rather beaten!

There’s probably more things that are causing me headaches, but these are the main ones. What about the good things in life?

The Boy loves his Daddy and enjoys every minute he spends with me! He’s developing into a wonderful little character. He’s no trouble at all, keep him watered, fed and amused and everything is good! He like his sleep, when staying with us, the very lovely Miss B and I, he sleeps for at least 12 hours! The lazy beast did have 14 hours one night after a busy day! He loves going swimming, wondering around the part and being pushed in his pushchair around the city. The Boy has got his Dad’s taste for Ribena! He drinks loads of the stuff in his beaker with a straw!

I’ve got back into jogging again. The weather is still rubbish, but as I live in the north-west of England, it’s to be expected! I’ve started running 5kms every Monday and Thursday evening. Still not at last year’s pace, but getting there! On Saturday, Miss B was at work, the Boy was with the ex-wife, so I was home alone. I decided to go for a run after doing some household chores. I had a couple of routes planned in my head and decided that I would aim for distance rather than time, so I targeted 7-8kms. The run was going well at a steady pace of about 6.50mins per KM, enjoying the run, listening to music and letting my thoughts wonder. In the end, I ran 10.5km in 70 minutes. Pleased with that. As today is a public holiday in the UK and my birthday, I’ve given myself the evening off from running! I’ll be back out again on Thursday night to cover around 6-8kms.

Regular readers will know how Miss B and I got together. We are still all very loved up, living together and enjoying life! Our relationship is absolutely wonderful and I feel human again. We always make time for each other and it feels like I am part of an equal team. We do things to help each other out and we really do compliment each other. We’ve spent the day chilling out on the sofa, suffering from minor hangovers, chatting, laughing, relaxing doing our own thing. It’s been a great birthday! As I said, we are still very much loved up and enjoying each other company and looking after each other. Miss B has been a wonderful support through this stressful time. We’ve been living together from over fours months and we haven’t argued once! We might have the occasional grizzle, but nothing serious. It wonderful waking up next to her, seeing she is awake and getting her lovely, gorgeous smile!

Tune of the day: Utah Saints – Something Good f/ Kate Bush (Original Version 1992)

P.

It’s been a while….

….indeed it’s been a while since the last post. Life is running at full pace and doesn’t seem to be slowing down. The new trendy apartment is all setup, IKEA furniture all built and still standing! Miss B and I haven’t argued during the building!! A fantastic sign of things to come!! We just need a few more bits, but the main is all there. Yes I know I promised picture, it’s still on my to do list do pipe down at the back!

From a personal perspective, life is generally good with a major irritation. It’s just about 2 month’s Miss B and I have been living together and I have to say it is wonderful!! We get along like a house on fire!! I’m the chef of the place, kitchen cleaner, bin emptier and moaner-in-chief! Luckily Miss B know’s how to keep me sweet!! We share all the general boring household chores and it take no time to clean and tidy the apartment. All very boring, but when you are in your mid-30’s these things are important!! The fantastic OreBabe came up a couple of weekends ago, these three of us had a wonderful weekend together, popping into town and embarking on some afternoon drinking after a great lunch! It was great chatting about random things, chilling out, and drinking some fine wine and Drambrewie!

I’ve been released from the therapy sessions, apparently I’m fully recovered within 6 sessions and been fully released into the community!!!! Given some of the stress I’m going through, more on that later, some of the techniques have been bloody useful! I’m certainly feeling far more relaxed and happier in myself and not getting stressed by life in general. Given the major life changing events over the past three months, maybe a change is as good as a rest? Now things are starting to settle down, I’ve been looking back at 2014. I now feel like i am actually living my life, looking forward to different things and building on the relationship with Miss B. My boys who I grew up with are highly amused I’ve (again) gone from one relationship to another without a break. They like to remind me that since the age of 19, I’ve only been single for 6 months! It’s not intentional and I’m not one to need to be in a relationship or I can’t function it’s just circumstance. I’m much more at ease with myself and reset some ambitions, binned a few and realigned a few. With this, my contentment and general feel good levels are high.

Work is still the same! No boss now for just over ten months and it looks like it will be twelve months! Ding dong what fun! It would be a stretch of the truth to say I’ve been doing two jobs now. Technically I am, but I’m doing the bare minimum to get through and cover both areas. I’m not afraid to say it either. I’ve got reasonably unmotivated that I’m just fire fighting the main issues and parking the rest. Thankfully everyone realises this and understand it. It’s approaching bonus time and on three weeks on Friday it will arrive into my bank account. Usually by this time I’d have an idea of what it would be from the rating on my annual appraisal. The joy of working for a global business is that the whole process is automated s I can see why it is in the process. Checking this morning, it’s still where is was last week. In the employee submitted box, with a further four steps to go. Knowing how the bonus process works, if it is not rated very soon, I’ll probably not get paid the bonus. Considering it is up to twenty percent of my annual salary, its not a small amount. If it goes all tits up, sorry English phase, then it’ll be time to look else where. Ideally not outside the current parent company, but outside the sub-business unit I work for.

So, P, what’s the major stress levels? Well, dear reader, from my previous entries you all know I’ve split from the wife. We have a son together and when we split she promised that she wouldn’t use him as a weapon against me. Unfortunately she hasn’t kept this promise. During the negotiations on childcare arrangements, TSTBEW has decided that I should only see the Boy every other weekend and the weekend I don’t have him, on the Wednesday night. Considering, I’m the closed one to him and have done the majority of the parenting, I’ve found this frustrating and replied back that we should have shared access and over a rolling two weeks we would both have him for seven nights. That sounds fair? Apparently not according to TSTBEW. In her view the Boy is not behaving well, not sleeping and not eating as he should and the way to improve this is to have a regular routine. Frankly this is absolute rubbish. Over the past six weeks, the Boy has stayed at least for three weekends and he’s behaved fine, eaten well and slept like a log and been a general pleasure. Instead of doing the adult thing and replying back, she’s gone legal on me. About a month ago, I got a particularly unpleasant letter from her solicitor. Thankfully I’d done my preparation and had a solicitor lined up. He’s been excellent and a great support. The initial strategy from TSTBEW and her solicitor was to try and intimidate me into agreement. Living with someone for over thirteen years I would have thought that she know how I would react to that. My reaction is to fight and challenge the intimidation and not give into it. Fortunately for me, they have played a bad game and have legally slipped up several times. Now their strategy is to ignore and antagonize me. Again, I’m prepared for this and it’s not working. I can’t say too much, but we are at the stage before litigation. Depending what their reply is will depend on the next steps. However it is looking increasingly likely I will have launch litigation against TSTBEW. Candidly, it’s not something I want to do. At the moment all she is doing is hurting the Boy. If I thought it would be better for him to have this arrangement, I’d happily agree to it. It’s not though. I am the closer to him that his Mum. That is something she and her family have said. So why TSTBEW thinks her suggestion is the right solution really does puzzle me. Yes I know she is angry, hurt and expected me to beg her to take me back. That was not going to happen. Trying to control me by using her son as a weapon is just not fair on him at all. Speaking to his nursery team, he’s fine and they have not noticed any unexplained changes in him since the split. They have noticed he is far more clingy with me when I arrive to pick him up, but he’s not like that with his Mum. I find that very sad. When he is with me, he doesn’t ask for his Mum at all. I think he realises that his Mum and Dad are not together any more. Given the issues she is facing with her mental health, having time to get better would be beneficial for her. Ho hum, keeping the Boy at the forefront and ensuring he is happy is key to this. Unfortunately, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Even though I haven’t had time to blog myself, I’ve been reading all the wonderful sites I follow. Admittedly I haven’t been able comment as much as I would like, but I’ve liked them and I’ll try and comment where I can! To all the other bloggers, I love reading your blogs! They are all completely different with such different writing styles, but they are all fascinating and in the spare moments I get I enjoy reading them. Keep up the great, wonderful work!

As Valentines day has just past, I did spoil the very lovely Miss B. To embarrass her, I got her the following:

• A hoody with ‘And though she be but little, she is fierce!’ on the front.
• A card and fridge magnet with ‘I want to grow old and disgusting with you’
• A bloody great box of Thornton’s Chocolates, about 10kg worth.
• A very nice lingerie set. No you deviants, it’s a nice set from a very good UK brand. I’m not saying anything more. So there.
• A dozen Red Roses delivered on Saturday morning. Admittedly they came at about 8.45am and the intercom buzz and I made her get out of bed to receive them. Who says romance is dead?!

Yes, I am a sopy old bugger, but I like it!

Tune of the day: Texas – Inner Smile (Stonebridge Classic House Mix)

P.